Keto Experiments - Part 2

I started a hard-core ketogenic experiment on November 7, 2023. Hard core because I actually removed nearly all sugar-related carbohydrates from my diet. I left dairy, and truth be told, lactose digests to glucose, so there's still some glucose, even though it's a tough one to digest.

It's May 13th, over six months have passed, and I have dropped a ton of weight, albeit positive, it's only part of the story. The real story is the health benefit, a story told by measured results also, with one distracting measurement.

So, here are the real positives.

• Weight stabilized to a healthy weight.
• Mental clarity
• Joint pain all gone
• Energy levels raised
• Sleep much, much better

Apart from the second one, mental clarity, the rest are physically observable results. Like the weight. I wasn't really heavy, not even obese on the BMI scale; however, I had noticed that since stopping my marathon training, I did gain weight, irrespective of any diet. I had tried everything that has been written about, from a pure whole food (nothing processed at all including oils) to a vegan (not a single animal product) in my life. If it's been written about, I have tried it.

GLUCOSE

Removing glucose from the diet let me to a study about metabolism, and I'm surprised, ashamed, that I did not think about this sooner. Given the breadth, and wealth, of diet advice, mostly from those trainers who train movie stars, I should have clued into this one much, much sooner.

Biochemistry - it's all about biochemistry. How your body processes food and what happens when you eat. This, coupled with activity, tells the whole story. And there's nothing else.

When you eat carbohydrate that you don't use it is converted to fat.

When you eat fat that you don't use it will be excreted.

When you eat protein that you don't use it will be converted to whatever building block your body needs.

Carbohydrates are nothing but glucose chains.

Worth repeating.

Carbohydrates are nothing but glucose chains.

When you eat carbohydrates, you are eating glucose.

Worth repeating again.

When you eat carbohydrates, you are eating glucose.

Whether it's a complex carbohydrate (and the word complex is used very, very loosely here since there's not much coming out of our farms that is not genetically modified) then perhaps it takes stomach acid to reduce it and so better for slow processing, or whether it's a simple one (like a fruit) the result is the same. It's glucose and if you don't use it it's going to be stored as fat.

FAT

Fat is interesting. Your body stores fat as a storage mechanism for later use. Fat is used when you don't have food. There's no argument about this from anyone, doctors or those pseudo-types that masquerade as nutrition experts.

And HUNGER was a normal state in our ancestry. Not famine, per-se, but real hunger. We didn't have the three-square-meals per day thing going on, but fed when food was found and did not eat when there was none. And the human condition was simply eating and procreating - much like every other animal. Because we are animals.

But hunger is eradicated and there's now farming and plenty. And we can afford to eat every single day and without being hungry. So, everything is now converted to fat for storage.

But when you don't eat food, the body then takes the fat that you have stored and uses it for energy. This is the natural state. Not eating and using fat. However, it's not the body's preferred method of energy usage. At the top of the list is, as expected, glucose. Glucose is quick and easy to metabolize. In fact, when you eat carbs, the body starts working on them as soon as they are in your mouth.

UPDATE - 30 MAY 2024

For the past couple of days I have been able to get out and do some long exercise - no carbs were involved. While I was not able to jog because of knee pain, I did a really long walk yesterday, over 2 hours, and didn't feel the sugar shock I would normally feel when I bottom out, run out of carbs. However, I paid for this exercise the rest of the day, up to this morning. My stomach feels really strange, nausea and that feeling of vomiting - or close to vomiting. This was bad yesterday so I came off the no-dairy and had some yoghurt, and coffee with milk. That helped. My stomach settled enough to allow me to sleep, but when I got up this morning, once again the feeling was there.

What does this mean? Does it mean that I cannot do cardio exercise?

Or when I do cardio, I really need to consider adding sugar to the mix? I don't think that eating carbs is something to start doing right away, not given the gains that I have seen so far. However, I should get back to the hospital and get my blood tested again, and as soon as I get back.

What sorted that feeling out was some Earl Grey tea, with milk. Whole milk, not skim or anything like that. So I bought a small bottle of milk and will have a couple of cups of tea before we head out for the airport in an hour, or so.

My New Bike - KTM 390 Adventure

My first bike, a Kibo K250, taught me to ride.

Gave me confidence as I learned to manage the bike.

I thought that it was a heavy bike, at about 160 kg (350 lbs) but I now understand that in the world of bikes, that's not really heavy.

Took it on long'ish rides from Nairobi to Mombasa (once) and many times to Kirinyaga.

And, of course, it's my hop over to the coffee shop, or run for groceries.

But there's the new KTM 390 Adventure, the 2024 series, that's about to come into my life.

Full of electronics, ride-by-wire, ABS, and speed. Yup, speedier than the K250.

The K250 would often struggle on Thika Road, at even 100 kph. The throttle was wide open and it would max out at 105'ish - refusing to give me more speed. And complaining all the time.

Some K250 owners claim an easy 120 kph, I don't believe it. My throttle was wide, wide open.

So now, I can get a comfortable ride to Embu, to Kirinyaga, and even to Nyeri without feeling as if I'm pushing the bike beyond its capabilities.

I'll probably sell my K250, only if the price is right. If not, it can happily stay and take me on the occasional ride to the outback. I trust it's off-road capability.

Stop taking diet advice

It's no wonder the health and wellness industry is worth a trillion dollars, and when you add the fitness industry, you can now see what all the nonsense is about.

There are so many speakers, YouTubers, podcasters, writers, salesmen (and women) clamouring to get a piece of that industry and the confusion that ensues is truly breathtaking.

From full on vegan, raw food, diets, to carnivorous ones, and everything in between, you can get any advise you want. And there's no consensus on what the truth, if there is a truth, is.

While our most trusted experts, the doctors, who are supposed to know this stuff intimately, are also arguing amongst themselves. They understand the biochemistry and so are placed in the best possible position to tell us the effects of overindulgence in one thing or another.

Oh, there is some consensus. Over sugar for sure. Everyone says it's bad for you, only some say stay away from it, as you would from cyanide, and others say, it's OK just to have a little bit. So what is it? None or a little? 

We need to be clear.

The various biochemical processes that take place in the body are well known. They've been studied up the wazoo and it's clear what happens to your blood sugar (blood glucose) when you eat certain foods. Our lab researchers have done all of this on mice and told us that this food will make you fat, and this one, well this one seems to make mice fat, so you may also get fat if you eat it.

There are vegan doctors just as there are carnivorous doctors. There are medical vegan doctors as well as holistic vegan doctors. And these vegan doctors tell you never, ever, ever to touch meat. It's a carcinogen, it's got all kinds of hormones and you can find better alternatives for the good stuff meat has in plants.

And there are also medically trained carnivorous doctors as well as holistically trained carnivorous doctors. They'll tell you the bad side of plants. All about the lectins, alkaloids and phytotoxins. And that plant proteins are not wholly usable for the human body.

So then, who do you listen to?

I've almost tried them all, and the final one was the Keto diet, a relative of Atkins. Low carb and restrictive. I think they have the right idea, especially in this day and age of sedentary lifestyles. I was a vegetarian for a couple of years. I found that I simply didn't have enough energy for the amount of training that I was doing. Maybe I was doing something wrong that I couldn't find enough energy even though I consumed carbs without caution. And I wasn't fat.

Keto asks you to limit the sugar (which are essentially carbs) that you're eating. And the Keto advocates are nice enough to give you a number. Some say 20 grams, some say up to 50 grams. But you get the idea. Stay under 20 grams of carbs, and you're OK.

The only problem with this is now you have to start counting carbs. And it's mentally excruciating. Reading all the labels to see how many carbs, or checking carb values online for fresh foods. Then trying to remember how many you've consumed so far, so that you can check out your carb balance for the day. Like a bank account that limits you to spending twenty dollars a day without a rollover plan.

So I decided to dive into the biochemistry, learn what my body's doing with all that food. When I eat glucose chains (otherwise known as starches), what is the chemistry that goes on. And when I eat proteins, what happens.

It's not a surprise that eating carbohydrates initiates insulin which ensures that the sugar in your blood stays within a certain concentration. Excess glucose, if not consumed by cells, gets shuffled away as glycogen, or as fat. Your body's smart enough not to chuck it away. To keep it for when there's no food. Because when there's no food, your body can burn that glycogen first for energy, and when the glycogen's finished, burn the fat.

But in real life what happens is that when the glucose from the starch is all gone, your body asks for more food - it intentionally makes you hungry. So that you can eat more food. It doesn't want to consume the glycogen or fat that it saved up. Why oh why?

It's left up to you to determine that the hunger is not real, and then fast. And when you fast, your body then reaches out for those stores.

But fasting is tough, requires will power. And while you may be willing, in today's world, where food is cheap and full of glucose, its rather easier to grab a burger than try to coax your body into burning this morning's breakfast.

So I figured that the carnivores may have landed on a solution for this. If we want the body to burn fat, then give it fat, not carbs. It so happens that your body cannot distinguish between the fat in the cells in your body and the fat that you ingest.

So a couple of things happen. Your body switches from carb burning to fat burning. And all of a sudden, you're burning body fat. The reverse process of the fat storage takes place. Instead of storing glucose as fat, fat is converted to glucose. And miraculously, without eating carbs, you get the glucose your blood needs for sustaining you.

I can attest to the fact that it works, though I'm not sure it's a solution for everyone. I'm certainly not going to join the millions of health and diet wannabe experts and tell you this is a safe choice, and I wouldn't even advocate for veggies either. It's a complex subject and everyone needs to explore it on their own.

For myself, I'm sticking very close to the carnivorous side of life, with small exceptions in the vegetable world, very, very small.

Keeping to-do lists

When you have a number of things going on at the same time, stuff at home, stuff at work and personal stuff to do, lists are an essential part so that you don't fall behind.

This is especially important if you manage a cross-functional team, where you're not the expert.

In my old job, I managed software developers and computer network installation and support teams. The skills required are not the same, though to anyone not in the business, a computer guy is a computer guy.

Now I manage a couple of businesses. One dealing with homes and tenants. The other with farms and crop production. I'm no expert in either, and to be fair, most of the actual team members don't have a global outlook, but are good within their swimming lanes.

There are many small things going on. Rent collection, home repairs, working with surveyors, lawyers, auditors, the tax agency. Working with suppliers, contractors and other consultants. And on the farm side, casual labourers and unskilled workers. Agricultural products suppliers. Managing crop cycles and monitoring farm health.

It's nothing like the computer world that I was so familiar with. And so lists and note taking have become my world. Not only so that I don't forget to keep track. But also as a mechanism for learning.

THE ONE BIG LIST

In my old world, it was easy to keep one list of everything that's going on and what everyone was doing. The same list contained what I was supposed to do with respect to the budget, as well as who was working on what bug in whatever software product we were looking at. The main problem with this list is that it grew exponentially. Stuff could remain on the list for months, and because it was literally a manual list, in an A6 notebook, I had to keep flipping back and forth. If an item dropped more than a few pages back, I brought it to the front of the list.

There was no concept, back then, of assigning a date to a list item. It was just a to-do item. I didn't even put dates on when some of the stuff was supposed to be completed.

The point was simply not to forget it.

So that's a start, but the main problem with the big list is once it starts growing. From a few items, to a page, to two pages and so on. Some items are so old, they seem like they'll never be done, but I can't take them off the list for fear of losing them.

So they stay.

And the list becomes unmanageable and useless.

MANY SMALL LISTS

In my new world, I keep many lists. A list for groceries, a separate list for each business, and within each business, lists for various things. There are even lists for each employee. Lists of stuff I've asked them to do, so that I don't forget it. And of course, there's a list of my plans, my projects and even this blog.

And how's that working out, you may ask?

Decidedly better than the single list, but not great.

Now I have a table of contents, which lists my lists, and reminds me to check each of the lists. And so frequently during the day, I pull out my Smartnote tablet, in it's small A6 size, and run through each list, taking note.

One of the single most important aspect of the list is following up. When someone promises to deliver, or when I promise to deliver, it goes on a list. And this time, the list item has a deadline. And because of the deadline, most of that stuff now gets done.

I've written about perfectionism before, and these lists are now culled very often. Items that age too much get removed unceremoniously, without fanfare, quietly. It's as though they were never there. They don't even leave a mark, or a whisper. And the list stays pristine and current.

On today's list was writing this piece, and then move on to some program refactoring (boring I know). Again, that's where a distraction free environment, like my BOOX Note Air 3 (not the C version, but the black and white one) come into play. No YouTube distractions, no Netflix distractions, no side-visits to check out Snapchat or WhatsApp. Just writing and a little browsing - for example to check out the spelling of gluconeogenesis. Even a simple excursion to check out a spelling (online) or to use the online thesaurus could get you into trouble, down that rabbit hole they call social media.

But anyway, to-do lists, while annoying, and boring, help structure a day.

And there's something satisfying about crossing things off your list.

Keto Experiments Part 1

The Keto diet aims to help manage weight by controlling the carbohydrates you eat. It's a low-carb, high-fat diet. The aim is to switch your body from burning glucose for energy to burning fat.

Depending on what sources you read, the total number of grams of allowable carbs are somewhere between 20g and 50g. This means that you have to carefully check the foods you're eating to make sure that you stay under the allowable grams. It's quite a task. One slice of bread, for example, has around 13g of carbs. So if you're targeting the 20g limit, one slice is over half the allowable amount of carbs.

Somewhere late 2022 till early 2023 I tried the Keto diet, thought it would be better for my health since I was slowing down on my jogging exercise. I couldn't afford too many carbs, and my mid-section was starting to complain.

But counting carbs proved to be more of a challenge than I originally thought. Carbs are everywhere! In milk, in every vegetable, and loaded in fruit. For my challenge, the Keto direction proved to be impossible. So I decided on a very tough approach, removing all but green leafy vegetables from my diet. No wheat, no rice, no potatoes, absolutely no starch and very little fruit.

But that was also a loosing battle since when I counted up the grams at the end of the day, truly counted them, including the greek yoghurt and milk in my coffee, I was somewhere in the mid 40g range.

Is 40g Keto? Depends again on what you're reading, but it's definitely borderline and bound to spike insulin levels, but perhaps not enough to push you out of ketosis.

Somewhere late last year, I decided that counting grams of glucose (a.k.a., carbs) was a time-consuming, challenging and marginally successful way to lose weight. And I ran into the carnivores.

The carnivore diet is a type of Keto diet which reduces the carb intake to near zero levels. In fact, you don't count at all. You simply avoid any foods with carbs. Which means, avoiding all vegetables, fruits, nuts and so on. The mantra is, if it comes from an animal, then it's OK. If it does not come from an animal, then it's NOT OK.

As usual, I did my Internet research, watched hours and hours of testimony in favour of the carnivore diet, and lots of vegans quite against it. Doctors on both sides. And supposedly health professionals on both sides.

Each camp of the argument very well equipped, and eloquent.

The vegan camp absolutely adamant that you can do 100% without meat products and talking about the risks of lack of fibre and vitamin C, both of which you cannot get, in sufficient quantities, in a carnivore diet.

And the carnivore camp saying. that plants have toxins (such as lectins) and other defence chemicals, as well as the all encompassing substance of all fat - glucose - which is absolutely unnecessary since the body can make its own from the animal fat and proteins.

And it seems that the answer is somewhere in the middle.

But I decided to kick the gram counting and dive into meat eating so that I wouldn't care about the carbohydrate problem. And I have incredible results to report. Within the first six weeks, I lost more weight that I'd lost in the last 6 years.

Every year I seemed to gain a pound, which means that I returned back to my previous 10-year weight, something that I had in my 30's and 40's also. I completely erased all the weight gained in my 50's in one stroke, and took my body back to my late 20's.

You'd have to try it to believe it. And I wasn't even on very strict carnivore since I spiced up my steaks with questionable spices, ate tons of yoghurt (plain Greek) and drank milk in my tea and coffee. And also drank Coke Zero which most studies seem to indicate does nothing to blood sugar (since it has no sugar) and also does not trigger an insulin response.

The cephalic phase of insulin secretion by the pancreas happens in preparation for a boost in blood sugar. The body tastes something sweet in the mouth and then prepares for a blood sugar spike. This spike is usually small, but it's there.

Surprisingly, most of what I read is that aspartame, the sweetener in Coke Zero, doesn't contribute to the cephalic phase, bur some of the other sweeteners, like saccharin might.

CONCLUSION

Where do I go from here? Well, it appears that I may be onto something that will help me for the longer term. I've never felt better, but have some concerns from some of the arguments from the other camp. Like lack of fibre and it's effect on gut bacteria. And the lack of vitamin C, found in very small quantities in meat, but larger quantities in organ meat.

So it looks like a small injection of some plant food might be worth experimenting with. So I'm bringing back moringa (in its powdered form). Low carb, packed with vitamin C and fibre. A single element which is the perfect way to single out whether or not it will have any side effects.

I'll report back when all of this is done.

I've cancelled my NordVPN subscription

NordVPN is among a host of VPN providers. Their VPN is considered one of the best in the industry.

The purpose of a VPN is to secure your connection to the internet. This is what keeps you safe when you're using the unfriendly internet. Say you're sitting in an Internet cafe, connected to their free (and super slow) Wi-Fi, you can fire up your VPN software, which will make sure that the Internet cafe's free Wi-Fi isn't listening (or peeking) into what you're doing.

The other thing that you can do with a VPN is hide your location. Which is good when you need to access services which are not available where you are. Some Netflix content, for example, is only available if you are in specific countries, so different countries see different content.

This can be frustrating if you're away from home and you need to get something from your home provider, whether it's Netflix or whoever.

I'm Canadian, and I have content I bought via Google which I can only see when I'm in Canada. So when I used to travel, I'd switch on my VPN (in this case NordVPN) and then see my home content.

NordVPN was affordable when I first got it, must have been that 2-year low entry fee trap. But then it quickly doubled. The first year was $89 for two years, so that's roughly $45 per year. Now it's $115 each year.

And all I use it for it login to a couple of servers (a provider who I have since ditched) and see some of my Google content.

Other than that, it's quite good for protecting me when I'm out and about using my laptop, or my iPad or my iPhone.

In fact, I've noticed in the past year, I probably only used it once or twice. So I'm really not getting value from it. When I'm out and about, I use a personal hotspot from my mobile phone provider, who is more secure than free Wi-Fi. And clearly I don't miss my Google content.

So goodby NordVPN, I'll use my $115 somewhere else.

How to use your technology

I have two laptops, a Linux laptop and a Macbook Air.

I also have this iPad that I'm posting this note on.

I have a number of Raspberry Pi devices, an iPhone a separate digital player (for my purchased music as well as for streaming music) - all because I don't want to burden my iPhone with the job of doing music as well as all the other stuff it does.

And all that tech is expensive, really expensive.

And because of that, I rarely carry it around.

Take this iPad for example, before I bought it, I had ideas of major productivity. I could see me sitting at a cafe, latte next to me, small pad and paper for the ideas I didn't want to escape and writing and coding productively - or is that profusely?

None of it ever materialized. The beautifully expensive iPad with it's similarly expensive Magic Keyboard mostly stay in my home office. They get transported to my work office occasionally - but not needed, and used when I feel guilty about not using it too much. Oh, they also get used to stream my Netflix movies when I'm on my elliptical machine - a few hours a week.

Incredibly, my paper notebooks are taken everywhere, and get written on constantly.

That's a Cambridge Executive, around an A6 size, and I write using a Pelikan Inky pen. Small and light.

So, my tech is really not productivity tech, it's treated almost like you'd treat jewelry. Delicately and tentatively, lest I drop it and it breaks.

But when I bought my Supernote E Ink tablet, I decided that enough was enough, no more babying this tech. And that device goes everywhere with me.

It is white, with a white pen, and it already has scuff marks, the mark of being active and used. The technology is not new, but I've adopted it really quickly. And I'll write more about that in a later review, but for now, I'm enjoying having it to pen a thought at any time.

It' snow 2:06 AM on Wednesday (7 February 2024) as I write this, on my iPad, having one of my bouts of insomnia. I'll get to sleep soon, I have my ADV Sound 500's (tiny earbuds) playing my Top Songs of 2023 playlist from Spotify streaming from my HiBy digital player.

Eeesh!

But another thing, this iPad will be getting out more, it's gotten fat and lazy and enough of that.

Supernote Writing

I have a Supernote A6X2 tablet. It's the best thing, and we're slowly getting to know one another. It's only a few days (well almost a week) old, and already it has a few dirty patches on the cover (which was white and clean when I bought it) but that's OK. We're friends.

I'd read that this tablet had the best writing experience of all the E Ink tablets out there. And in fact, I'd originally bought a BOOX Note Air3 C, which I returned for reasons given in another post. But this one's a keeper since I've discovered the secret of getting quality handwriting, handwriting that looks pretty close to my handwriting on real paper.

Here's a sample - written in the evening, when I was tired, which is the best time since it does really show how my writing looks like when I'm not even trying.

Supernote	My Notebook

The faintness of the left image is the pen that I chose, but pressure also works.

So, while the feel isn't exactly like paper, and there are very few tablets that can simulate paper, there are a couple of things you can do to make the experience better - even on an iPad.

1. Get a good pen, or change the nib. If the screen is glass, get a soft rubber tip for the stylus.
2. If the screen is glass, consider a screen protector.
3. Apply some pressure when you're writing. Unlike paper, the plastic, matt or glass surface isn't really being written on, there's digital magic under the screen, and so the pressure is only there to stabilize the pen in your hand.

With the Supernote, and specifically the Supernote with the FeelWrite2 screen protector from Wacom, pressure is your friend.

Buying an E Ink tablet from Amazon

Last year, early December, I bought an E Ink tablet from Amazon. A BOOX Note Air 3 C. I used it for about a day. Really used it. Then promptly repackaged it and sent it back.

It's been more than a month, and as I try to remember why I returned it, a couple of things come to mind.

1. I was looking for a tablet that I could write on, something that simulates pen (or pencil) on paper.


2. Something light.


3. A device with tons of battery life - measured in days, not hours.


4. With an easy navigation and file management system.


5. And perhaps, some integration with Microsoft OneDrive, or Google Drive.

Not much to ask eh?

Well I bought a BOOX Note Air3 C. About a week later, I returned it. I paid close to $800 for it. About $500 for the device, additional money for the cover, plus an extra Steadtler stylus. And then shipping and customs charges to Kenya.

The notetaking was OK. The feel wasn't really pencil on paper, more like a gel pen on paper, the surface of the tablet was quite smooth, even though BOOX has tried to make it scratchy by applying a screen protector at the factory.

After some effort, I got Microsoft Office installed, but I have two accounts - work and home. I didn't know it at the time, but there's a way to install a separate copy of Office accounts. So I was able to get the work tools working, but the home tools wouldn't connect.

But that's not the reason I returned it. Excel wasn't as smooth as on my iPad. Neither was OneNote - a tool I use extensively. I'd planned to keep using Excel and Word on my iPad, and then use OneNote on the BOOX, along with the handwriting notebook. I also wanted to move my reading tasks over to the BOOX, so I installed Libby and the Kobo reader.

Both readers were excellent, and in fact, Autodesk Sketchbook was surprisingly good.

But you must agree, for Libby, Kobo and Sketchbook - and handwriting notes - $800 is a bit on the high side.

So I returned the BOOX Note Air3 C and continued my search. I came across a different company, Supernote. Their products don't have the Google Play store, so they are limited in features, but YouTube reviewers all agree, the note-taking ability of these tablets is super.

And I found just the right one. My regular notebooks are small - around the size of an A6 (which is 4.1 x 5.8 inches). Not for drawing out huge plans, but very portable, pocket and knapsack (or backpack) friendly

On the left's my regular notebook - and the Pelikan Inky felt tip pen that I really enjoy writing with. And on the right, the Supernote A6X2, the latest as of 4 February 2024, and its basic pen. The Standard Push-up pen. The pen feels like a gel on paper with Wacom's FeelWrite2 screen protector which is factory installed.

My Notebook	Supernote

The Supernote is exciting technology. So far, I've created a number of notebooks to keep track of work in the office, as well as jot down thoughts during the day. Because of its size, I carry it everywhere. The retractable pen fits in the holder and because the nib (ceramic) retracts, there's no fear of damaging the nib should the pen fall down.

And this notebook was much cheaper at $300 for the tablet, and about $130 for the pen and cover. As usual, I had to pay about $70 more to get it to me, but I wasn't asking for too much this time. Just a great small notebook that I could enjoy using.

Today I ordered the latest tablet, released in December 2023, by BOOX, the black-and-white Note Air3. No colour. No BOOX Super Refresh technology. And 10.3 inches in size.

The tablet and cover cost $400 and $50 respectively. But because of the reduced specifications, I'm hoping this time I'll be able to get better battery life, get OneNote working (both for work and personal accounts), get Libby and the Kobo reader and anything else will be icing on the cake.

I'll carry both of them, because that's what they're for!

Here's a photo of the small size of the Supernote - so lovely

Supernote A6X2

THE PROCRASTINATING PERFECTIONIST

Already 14 days into 2024 and I have not kept up with my commitment to write - at least in this blog. I have been journaling daily, because for me, journaling is like eating. I have to do it. My journaling is therapeutic more than anything.

And I have had this idea of writing at least weekly, and as you can see, it's the end of week 2 - and the only thing I wrote was on new years day, signalling the start of a year of writing.

But I'm here to try to analyze this thing that's stopping me from being as productive as I was back in 2011 (most prolific blogging year) or even 2022.

And I have narrowed it down to 3 rules. I'll give you the rules now, and then walk you through how they came about.

I started out with a table, listing side-by-side, what some of my reasons to procrastinate are, and why I think I tend to be a perfectionist. Here's what I jotted down.

PROCRASTINATE	PERFECTIONIST
1. Too many alternatives (options) can't decide	1. Goal is still not clear, "I want this to be perfect"
2. Not sure how/where to start.	2. Don't know everything yet, so I won't start until I know everything
3. I have lots of time, don't need to rush to start or finish	3. I fear criticism if it's not perfect, so I won't do anything until I know it will be perfect to avoid criticism
4. Analysis-paralysis - I don't have all the information to start so I won't start.	4. Too many options - should I use paper, computer, Word, OneNote...
5. If I wait, I will think of ways to make it better.	5. I don't want to have to start over, so I cannot start till I know I will be able to finish in one shot.
6. I'll spend time doing more thinking so that I do this once, and once only.	6. Until I can confirm that this will be my best effort, I keep thinking about it.
7. I'm always thinking about things, never actually doing.	7. Mediocre is not an option, neither is average - so nothing gets finished.
8. I don't have enough knowledge, constant Internet research.	8. Always starting, never finishing.
9. The end seems a long way away, I must think of all the steps before I even begin.	9. I don't want to start and then have to go back to the start again.
10. Could be lazy, can this wait? For what? Till I feel like it, or I'm ready?	10. Now the end goal seems quite foggy, not clear, blurry. Don't know if this is my best effort.

There are some common elements among both of these.

• Difficulty starting anything, unless everything is known.

• Fear of being less-than-perfect - not just wanting to waste time being wrong, or going down the wrong path, wanting to be perfect.

• Overwhelmed and confused at having many options. Cannot proceed until all of them are evaluated.

• Desire to please - perfectionism asks that there should be no criticism.

• Overthinking - the mental picture of the desired goal is very grand; but it is also foggy, unclear.

• Blank Page Syndrome - don't know where the first marks should go. So nothing starts.

Here are some thoughts:

PROBLEM	SOLUTION
Unclear goal - "I sense what I want, but I cannot visualize it clearly"	Write down the target: Write the email. Outline the Strategic Plan. Finish two chapters. Send the template
Not sure how to start.	With what you know. With what is visible. You can even start in the middle, or the end. You can always refactor.
I don't have all the information with me, let me collect it first.	Move straight to the output (forget about rough drafts).
I don't know it all (similar to above), fearful that I'm on the wrong path.	Most of the time, the first thing that you do will be the best. Most of the time.
I cannot visualize the finish line (the final thing)	Then work only on the middle.

Happy New Year 2024!

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR. Well, we're done with 2023, and not soon enough. From a blogging perspective, not much was written. Either procrastination or something else. I don't know.

But on a good note, here we are, on day 1, and actually writing something.

Let's take stock.

• Turned 59.
• Learned that meditation, deep breathing, is very important.
• That sugar is bad, in all forms.
• Work and play can be the same thing.
• I take things too seriously.
• People are disappointed when you say NO, but that's OK.
• Not everything you do will be right, and that's also OK.
• Farming is both an art and a science.
• The office is not a desk. It's this iPad. It's my motorbike. It's the coffee shop.
• Music is the most important thing that I have.
• I love technology, really love tech, and that's also OK.

I also learned that if I don't make decisions, then others will make those decisions for me. And that it's tough to be a leader.

Finally, most people claim to know, but don't. They're just struggling to figure things out, like everyone else. Just that some are real bullies (the high school kind), including your own family.

Watch out, make 2024 great for yourself. 

Oh, that's right, I started with I turned 59, so it's about time to listen to my own voice.

Happy 59th Birthday - to me

TODAY was actually an exciting day. I didn't know what to expect since I had so many goals for this past year, like prepare myself for my very, very last marathon.

That didn't happen.

But what happened is that I settled, finally settled, satisfied with life and where I am. And finally excited that age 60 is coming along quite well. Healthy, at least.

I'm very comfortable on my bike. I did a two day, mostly off-road, ride to Mombasa, Diani Beach. With a couple of guys, through Oloitoktok, Taita Taveta and finally through Kwale County.

I'm old, the other guys are somewhat younger, and it was a tough ride. But after a few hours on the bike, you really stop thinking about the mechanics of riding, you kinda zone out, and the bike becomes a part of you.

I know understand the habit that boda boda riders have using their smartphones while riding. I didn't know how they could control the bike with one hand.

Anyhoo, I wrote a lot this past year, in my journal, or diary. Rambling thoughts, supposed to be meditative, contemplative. I tried to journal on my iPad, but I found the keyboard and blinking cursor too demanding. The pen slowed down my thoughts, since I can type way faster than I write. So many thoughts disappeared into the ether, while the ones that found their way down to my fingertips made it onto the page.

THE CARNIVORE DIET.

Sometime during the year, maybe September'ish, I decided that my lifestyle didn't suit the consumption of glucose, carbs. The first to disappear were breads and rice and wheat, then potatoes and then other vegetables and finally, finally fruit.

As they say, the jury's still out, but there seems to be a lot of evidence on the effectiveness of the protein-based, low carb, diet. Mine is very, very close to no-carb diet. Not even Keto, stronger than Keto.

But I love yoghurt and buttermilk (maziwa lala) too much, so plain yoghurt gives me the glucose, in the form of processed lactose, that's in my diet. 

The first couple of weeks were absolutely terrible. But I'm a persistent, obstinate old man, and so I needed to keep going for a while longer. They say that it takes 21 days to form a habit, though I think it's more like 90 days.

The first couple of weeks were full of headaches and fatigue, especially in the evening.

But I wasn't hungry. So it was easy to maintain eating eggs, beef, chicken and drinking water. No juice.

Then magically after a month, my body stopped complaining. I found my energy, the zone. The fatigue went away, the hunger also left and I didn't need to think of juice, of fruit, of sugar any more.

I've completed the 90-days, but I feel so good that I'll hang on for a few more months. Eating in Kenyan restaurants is difficult because starch-based food is everywhere, even in the seasoning. So I have to be careful with meat as well.

HAPPY 59 YEARS.

So, I think that my goal of one-more marathon before age 60 may not materialize, but I may modify that goal to one half-marathon. 21 km (13 miles) is do-able.

Interestingly, I was more active when I had a sedentary job - desk job. I don't do a lot of desk work, and I have discovered that I'm incapable of micromanaging anyone. Curiously, some close to me think I'm argumentative, huh, go figure. I'm the urban hermit, the very definition of one. But that could be in my head. I do most of my thinking on paper - literally, not computer. But perhaps I can switch and share my thoughts on this blogger, which I've sort-of abandoned this year. Not that there wasn't anything to write about, but I was struggling with settling down, as I have struggled for the past couple of years.

But I think I'm over that now.

I honestly don't know where the time went. Well, I know, but I really cannot believe it. But I feel it, the movement of the planet under my feet, moving swiftly, me barely hanging on, wanting to stop it so that I can just finish this project, complete that task, or hone this or that skill. But the planet ignores me and just keeps spinning.

And I'm not surprised that this day came and went quickly. As I write this, my birthday's over, and I'm starting my 60'th year. Don't be fooled by birthdays, they mark the completion of an age, not the achievement of that age. I'm fifty-nine-point-something already. Not quite 60, but I won't let 60 sneak up on me.

The 50's were great, absolutely fantastic. On par with the 30's which were awesome. And I suspect that the 60's will also be superb.

So let me settle into this new phase, acceptance of things past, things that I cannot possibly get back, but a youth well spent. And then count the next 366 (yes, it's a leap year next year) days to age 60. 

There will be a party.

And there goes 2023...

It's already March, and I haven't posted a thing this year. It's not that I've been lazy, but I switched to journaling using a pen (fountain) and a notebook. And I've written pages and pages, but none of that stuff has translated to my blog.

Believe me, I've had the best of intentions, and I thought I'd have a lot of time, but the year's really moving quickly.

OLD AGE

It must be a function of age. I've noticed that the older I've become, the faster time flies. You wake up in the morning, shower, dress, eat breakfast and get ready to face the day. And voila! Like that, it's already lunchtime. What happened to the morning? One meeting possibly, a couple of phone calls and the morning's done.

I remember when I had a full-time gig, the afternoons were especially tough. That's because I'm an insomniac and by the time the afternoon rolls around, I've been up for an entire day. I'm still an insomniac, but the afternoons are different. Now that I have my own gig, there's simply not enough time in the afternoon. I have a million projects, all started, each of them inching slowly forward. Some have stalled for months (like a book I'm writing) and some are about a hair's breadth away from the finish, but that last step's a doozy.

REFLECTIONS

I drafted an essay, a reflection of 2022, that I was supposed to post on LinkedIn, incidentally my favourite place for some type of information - most of the people on LinkedIn actually have lives and are serious.

That essay will probably end up in this blog. It's now too old to reflect on 2022. 2022's looooong gone and nobody even remembers it. I hope you've all done your taxes.

But even as I reflect on the first quarter of this year, January and February to be exact, where on earth did they go. We planned, we budgeted, we started executing and all of a sudden the train started rolling really quickly down the tracks. No brakes. No engine-person to manage the speed. At this pace, I won't be able to do many of the things I'd planned for this year. And the strange thing is that I'm saying this now, in March!

HEALTH

One of the really good things that I've done this year is take care of my health. The move from Canada to Kenya disrupted my exercise schedule and I stopped jogging and running marathons. But I kept on eating as though I was jogging and running marathons.

But I've switched and the results are slowly coming back. Food is great, and in Kenya especially, it's eaten at all times of the day. There's always time for a cup of tea somewhere during the day. And Kenyans love meetings, and all meetings are catered meetings. I needed to switch off that roller coaster of Kenyan-style meetings, and get back to my old Canadian-style work life.

But there was more. Becoming your own boss doesn't necessarily mean that your time is your own time. It means that your time is your employees time. And your time is whatever's left over after you've given all your time to the company. Your company.

Strangely enough some may think that when you're working for yourself you don't treat the day with the same bureaucratic discipline that you'd treat employment. But this is not true. When you work for yourself, it's all up to you to succeed, or fail. And failure is never a good choice.

2023, HERE I COME

So, 2023, I'm wide awake now, and you won't just rush by me without acknowledging my presence or my effort. I just completed my list and we're ON.

Happy Birthday... to me.

58 years ago, on a possibly warm day in Nyeri district (it wasn't a county back then), a few days before Kenya became a republic, I became. A little over a year before, Kenya had been granted self-rule by its colonial masters, Britain, after a bitter, lengthy, bloody struggle.

The 60's were the emancipation years for Africa and those lucky enough to be educated at the time were suddenly granted an opportunity for leadership.

But I digress...

There was a time when the official retirement age in Kenya was 55 years old. The life expectancy was about 49 years old in 1964 when I was born, so its likely that most workers did not live long enough to retire and get a pension. Things haven't progressed much. The current (2022) life expectancy is still under 70, close to 67 years old depending on which source you use, so the current retirement age of 65 isn't helping much.

But again, I digress...

I do feel older. I feel that I've done my share of work. I actually feel as though I should have retired by now. My thirties and forties were super busy. And as I reflect, I wonder what all the rushing was all about. At the time, in my various jobs, the entire planet revolved around what I did. Nothing anyone else was doing was of any importance. I've run close to 30 full marathons in my life, and I'm tired. 

But 58 feels good. While I couldn't sit still for five minutes without rushing here and there, I feel so good just sitting on a chair, in peace and quiet, meditating. My mind's still switching channels quickly, but I don't feel the urgency to run and get anything done so quickly. I'm more concerned with doing it right. 

I'm not religious in any sense, but I have a sense of wonder, a feeling of the numinous, of awe and wonder at nature. That mankind has been able to get out of the trees and manage to shape the environment to his (and her) will is mind boggling. People are super smart. And many of them are way smarter than I will ever become.

And that's OK.

My small little corner of the planet feels comfortable, and knowing that I will only enjoy it for a little while yet, makes it all that more comfortable. Everything is amazing. My computers. My pens. The paper that I write on. The books I'm surrounded by. The people I meet. The walks I take. The water I drink. The air I breathe. The exercise I do. I'm lucky.

I feel that I must do something personal, truly my own in the next couple of years before I hit super 60. And of course I'll get there. My hero, Ed Whitlock, ran a sub-3 hour marathon at age 73. Now, if I can do one last marathon, before age 65, and make it count, wouldn't that be something? And at the same time, finish that darned book I've been writing since I was about 40. That must be a record. Even if I get to 300 pages of semi-interesting material, that's over 7,000 days to write 300 pages, which is about 23 days to write a page. Which is less than 3 lines per day. Believe me, by the fifth year, I'd forgotten the start of the story.

And that's OK.

Because the many shorter stories still count. And my critics are most welcome, because I won't stop.

It's a little past midnight as I write this, it was supposed to be a simple reflection on this milestone. As I remember how lucky I am to be here, now. And to be thankful that I am fit and healthy. And today (since it's already the day), I will spend time thinking of this. That will be my gift to myself. To engage in silent and peaceful meditation. And to be thankful.

Cheers!

Mindfulness

I had lunch with a cousin that I had not seen in ages, literally decades. It was great catching up and throughout the lunch I slowly remembered her and how fun life had been when we were all younger. Time just slipped by and before we knew it, it was early evening and time to say goodbye.

As we said goodbye, my dad, who lives next door, happened to be passing by and stopped by just to chat. Now, normally, I only take visitor by appointment, but of course, parents and family would be different. They don't need appointments to come and visit you. But it was something he said that made me think of writing this. He remarked about how difficult it is, living in the city, for family and friends to see one another. He said that back in the old days, living in the village, we saw one another much more and took time to enjoy each other's company. And then he went on to say that this absence of contact is the reason why so many of our young people are depressed.

DEPRESSION

Back in the seventies and eighties, when I was growing up, we didn't know what ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) now known as ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) was. I suspect that the disease wasn't even that prevalent, it's probably a sign of the times, but I'm sure it was there. Just like recognition that soldiers needed help after coming back from war, you just couldn't take them back home and expect them to get a job and go back to being normal, even this recognition that there was help needed came quite late.

We didn't know that kids, as young as 12 years old, could get a stroke. But now we recognize that ADHD is real, and I know some people who have it. And if not treated, could lead to fatal consequences. It's not a joke that the rates of suicides among young people has really gone up. Some of it simply a statistical adjustment. If you have a 10% rate of something in a population, and you have 100 people, then you expect that 10 of them will have this thing. However, if you have 8 billion people, like we have today, then that's 80 million with the thing. But a lot of what we're finding out about depression is not statistical. Some of it is a recognition that indeed this stuff was there before, we just didn't know about it. And the other is that the problem is exacerbating. It's getting worse.

Unlike self-help, depression is not one of those conditions where you can simply tell the person to stop being depressed. You cannot tell them to go and find something useful to do and get better. Drugs, prescription drugs, seem to help but I feel that's a slippery slope. The long term effects of these drugs are not too well understood, and perhaps in a couple of decades, we will be where we are now with the diagnosis, we'll say we didn't know.

MINDFULNESS

My mind is a racetrack, constantly buzzing around and around. But I'm also a worrier. The glass is always half empty. I spend a lot of time thinking of what is wrong, or what is going to go wrong, went wrong or potentially could go wrong. Constantly on that hedonic treadmill, looking for the next thing. But I discovered a way to stop time, breath and focus on the being still inside.

It's not easy. I have been practicing for years, and I can tell you that it's still difficult. My mind still asks me what on earth I'm doing this for, and why I bother. But I can assure you that the benefits are astounding. Simply amazing.

But mindfulness does not have to be practised in total silence, sitting in a quiet room with your legs crossed. It can be practised when you're walking, taking public transit to work, eating your breakfast, lunch, dinner or snack. Mindfulness is simply being aware.

Mindfulness is being aware.

It's being aware of everything about you. How your fingers feel, how your toes feel, how your hair feels. Going into your thoughts and analyzing what you were just thinking about, and trying to figure out why those thoughts were there. Time slows down and you create a bubble where you sink deeply into yourself. To get to that state, I have found that I start by concentrating on my breath. Yes, it works well in a room all by yourself, sitting down where there is no interruption, or disruption, but it also works when you're not.

Breathing is natural, so you can feel the breath as it goes in and out of your body. Through the nostrils and into your lungs. Something you do so naturally everyday without thinking. Now take a moment and really concentrate on this. Each breath is unique and is your friend, and you concentrate on each volume of air going into you.

Naturally, you may become distracted. All of a sudden, that tax form you promised to fill out comes to mind and you remember that you did not fill it out and send it in. A phone call to a friend that has lapsed also come to mind and quite quickly you get bored with feeling and listening to your breath as other priorities take place.

But as soon as that happens, you take notice of it, you simply dismiss it and go back to your breath. Do this enough times and the interruptions will get fewer and fewer. If you're like me, they'll never truly go away, but they will decrease in quantity and intensity. And you'll notice them sooner and dismiss them quicker.

I used to get this feeling that I was wasting time, that I could be doing something more productive. Something useful. But what's useful? Working on that project. Finishing your taxes. Doing that shopping. Writing that proposal, presentation or important paper. There's always something more important. Even when you're doing that important work, there's something else waiting in the line.

So think of meditation as exercise. Or sleep. Put it up there as a priority as one of those things. Exercise, sleep, food and meditation.

PRACTISE

Is defined as performing, or exercising, an activity repeatedly or regularly in order to acquire, improve or maintain proficiency in it. It's by practise that the muscle memory develops, that the skill becomes innate.

Like anything important, regular is the keyword. Like exercise and diet. But unlike those two, don't be deceived by the thought that you need to find a sanitized room, with incense. You can meditate in the bus on your way to work. When walking quietly at lunch. Sitting alone for a while on a bench, even on a busy street.

As long as you move your thoughts inwards. Feel your breath. Feel your heartbeat. Feel, rather than think, your thoughts. Do a body scan, toes to head and back again. Get lost in how you feel. Really concentrate on your body, on the surface of your skin, your muscles. It will take time and the distractions will be there. Recognize them as such, as distractions, and then move on.

Practise, practise, practice.

Password Security

Bruce Schneier says that security is both a feeling and a reality.

He also said, if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear.

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the stuff that I have online, and what would happen if it got lost. Back in the old days, when you opened a bank account, they gave you a little banking book, and you had an account number, which, incidentally, everyone knew. But nobody could take your money out of your account since you had to physically go to the bank, with your bank book, and access your account.

And even when ATM's started getting popular, you had to show up at the ATM, with your ATM card, and key in your four-digit PIN, which only you (and possibly your spouse and kids), knew.

Now everything's online. Banks, emails, shopping, contracts, rental agreements, calendars, schedules, medical records, vehicle licenses, identification documents, social security data, divorce and separation agreements, court decisions and so on. Some of this stuff is personal and private and nobody other than yourself should have access to it. Other stuff is public and everyone's reading it.

IN THE BEGINNING

There were few accounts, and possibly one password. That password was used to get to your email and your social media account. It was the same password.

Incidentally, the same password used to login to your computer at work.

Then banks started doing all their transactions online, and you used your same email password for your bank account. This was before the time when the username was your email address. Back then, your username was a cryptic bank number.

And slowly as some government services (such as the tax departments, or driver's licenses) started to come online, someone told you not to use the same password. So you put 123 at the end of it, that was different enough.

What was the worst that could have happened? Well, someone could have broken into your email and read all your correspondence, illicit or otherwise. This could have been embarrassing and you may have lost a few friends in the process, but the financial risk (which is how we value the risk) would have been minimal in most cases. But the banking breach would have been different. The thief would have stolen all your hard earned money so that needed to be protected with much more care.

EIGHT CHARACTERS, UPPER, LOWER WITH NUMBERS

We have come a long way and we've been taught about password complexity. Our IT departments keep telling us that we need to have complex passwords that are hard to crack, but are memorable. And so, something like this, Pa$$w3rd5, is acceptable, and if we can imagine that the $ is an S, the 3 is an E and the 5 looks also like an S, we may be able to remember it as Passwords, with a few modifications.

But even that's not enough. There was a study sometime ago that revealed that an eight-digit password could be hacked in less than a day by a diligent hacker. So the length of the password is important. Of course, if you have a mix of different symbols, it gets harder to crack, but still eight digits is not enough.

So we were told to move up to eleven, and that is better. 

To make matters worse, websites began to demand complexity in the passwords you chose. Some institutions (namely the banks) started insisting that you change your password every thirty or so days. And once again, we were back to square one - take the same old password and append a number to the end of it. This month, it's Super.$3cret1, next month it's Super.$3cret2, then Super.$3cret3. And even if you forget it while you're online, you can just keep rotating the numbers till you get it right. Most people didn't even bother, they wrote it nicely on a post-it note and stuck it behind the monitor. Some of the more conscientious of us put that piece of paper in our wallets. Like that would help.

PASSPHRASES

And them someone figured out that the real issue, in getting good complexity, was actually the length of the password. The longer the password, then the harder, much, much harder it was for it to be cracked. So now we had passphrases like: iamthegodofmykingdom. And if you add spaces, way easier to type.

Still we were plagued with the fact that nearly every service we need is online. Even if we don't care about the content of our social media, we care that we don't want someone else masquerading as us. And so we would need different passphrases for each of the hundred accounts we have online. It's super important now to do this because we don't know how the websites are storing our passwords.

In many cases, much less as time goes on, when you click on the "forgot password" link on a website, they will send you a link to your email account to a spot where you can reset your password. That was not always the case. In the past, they'd actually email you your password. Many sites still do this today. So if you've been using your banking password on those sites, perhaps it's time to head over there and change it.

MULTIFACTOR

And we're on the next phase of passwords, or no passwords. This is the first real attempt at becoming serious about security. Not allowing people to think of their own ways to access their accounts, but insisting that they continually prove that they are who they say they are.

That's what 2FA (two-factor authentication) is really trying to address. We think we know who you are, but can you please send me back a code I just sent to the phone number I know is yours and I also know you wouldn't even give your phone to your spouse. It's not that I don't believe you wouldn't give your password to your kids so that they can transfer their own pocket money from your bank, but we don't trust that your kids won't give it out (accidentally) to someone else. And that could get you into trouble.

All we're trying to do is protect you from yourself. So, again, tell me what that code is that I sent to your phone, and, oh, by the way, I also need another code that I've emailed to you.

Some websites have done away completely with the password. As long as you validate yourself with either your phone or your email address, they're willing to send you a code to one of these as a better alternative to having a password. In a way, it's better. It's stronger since someone would need to have access to your email in order to hack your accounts.

So you'd better make sure your email password is really tough. And that the unlock PIN on your phone is also good.

BIOMETRIC

The granddaddy of all super secure methods - if our security providers can get this working correctly. Apple seems to be doing a good job. Not only don't we trust that we can send you a code (because we all k now that Apple product owners are touch-feely types who will lend their kids and friends their Apple gadgets), but we need to see you, or touch you.

And that's where face recognition and touch ID's come in. I think the last frontier in identity management. As long as we cannot fool the cameras, or the fingerprint sensors, we have a shot at making something that can really work. In Kenya, where I live, this may be a tough sell since the government has copies, upon copies, of its citizen's fingerprints and retina scans. And I suspect they keep this stuff in a thumb drive, on a keyring that the employees regularly pass among each other and dump the data to personal folders on OneDrive.

And so we're back to Bruce Schneier who I think is a genius in his field. When asked by a reporter how to prevent a disaster like 9/11, replied that it was simple. Ground all the aircraft. Clearly it was not an option, but as long as we have people, we'll need a careful balance between being secure and having access.

SUMMARY

I remember, in my days as a manager for a technical team, and the various discussions around users and accounts. It wasn't only about accessing accounts, but also securing services. And that's where the problems lie. Because, honestly, security is a process, and a system. There's no such thing as a secure system, only one that hasn't yet been breached. And a continual evaluation, and re-evaluation, of services is the only way to mitigate, check and respond to threats.

Oh, and by the way, if you are a systems administrator for any service you provide, either to internal clients or whomever, please, I beg you, stop this nonsense of forcing password resets. If you know people, you'll know that you just made things worse.

Celebrating Personal Achievements

Herd mentality comes from social engineering, which comes from thousands of years of conditioning and evolution, which is a consequence of our need to survive. But it goes against the attributes in our DNA, that stuff we're told predetermines, actually hard codes, who we are. Just like you cannot change your height, or your skin colour, or how your face looks your DNA is responsible for not only physical attributes, but also abilities and, they say, emotions and thoughts.

The Desiderata says, If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. The lesson here is that abilities are individual. I think that these instruction in The Desiderata are subtly powerful. Achievement is getting something done successfully. It could also mean recognition for the thing done. But there's a hint of comparison, which is to achieve compared to what?

And here's where we listen closely to The Desiderata. Because the normal thing is to compare yourself with others, and say, I have achieved based on my comparison to this person's achievement. Or that person's achievement. Even when the thing you are trying to accomplish bears no resemblance in terms of comparison to the person who you are comparing your achievement with.

Here's a simple example.

Pay and salary. This is one ruler, standard, used to measure achievement. If I make a certain amount of money, then I have achieved, succeeded. If I don't then I have inevitably failed.

Another one might be the acquisition of stuff. The more stuff you have, the more you can say that you have achieved. In Kenya we can say, I have arrived!

This sense that we need to continue to accumulate and gain and gather and move forward and compete and slash and burn all opposition may be partly genetic. Our brains tell us that we need to forage for food so that we can survive. And that having more food than the other person makes us stronger than the other person so that we can survive longer than they can, if a contest for survival were to happen. Also having more food, keeping it and not sharing it, means that should a famine happen, then we are likely to survive longer. Better still, if the other person has food, then taking that food away from them means more food for us, which is also better for survival. So taking stuff away from others is also part of personal achievement. If you see something that someone else has, then you want it. And in today's world, this is not limited to food, it's clothing, cars, jewelry, wealth and their spouse.

ENOUGH

In order to be emotionally happy, we must then acquire a notion of having enough. That notion of enough must be a personal one that dares only look inside, and not compare with others. It may look something like this:

• Today I wrote an essay, a couple of pages long, it may not make it to the New York Times bestseller list, but I'm happy with it.
• Today I did a 30 minute walking exercise, I feel great.
• Today I sat quietly for 30 minutes, uninterrupted, without a problem and I'm glad to have time to sit and think this way, it is a gift.

HALF FULL

But that's not the case most of the time. We're most likely to see the half empty part of the glass, not the half full, because it's the half empty part that's most likely to get us killed.

Going back to the prehistory you, who needed to be right 100% of the time in order not to die. That one time you mistake a sabre toothed tiger for a rock is the last time you do that. It does not matter the hundred times you were right. It takes just one.

And that's why negative thoughts are that much more powerful than positive ones. Negative thoughts make you grow more than positive ones. They say that's the same with exercise. Your muscles grow when you over stress them. You need to get to that point of pain in order for the exercise to work. And it's not comfortable.

It is nearly impossible to replace those negative thoughts with positive ones, since the negative ones are triggered externally. Mostly triggered externally and that (I believe) is why most meditation practices focus on going inside. Focusing on something simple, like the breath, and trying to cut out external thoughts. But the babble is overwhelming and cannot be shut off, and so when it happens, and you recognize that it has happened, then you can recenter an refocus yourself.

The half full babble sounds something like this:

• Oh crap, I still haven't done my taxes, I'm so lazy.
• This project is boring, it's taking so long why did I even start it.
• I hate my boss, I wish I could find a better job.
• I don't have enough money, I have to get another job so my kids don't suffer.
• I know something's wrong, just can't put my finger on it, but I feel it.

And on and on and on it goes. Never stopping. Never ending.

PERSONAL ACHIEVEMENTS

Are just that. They are yours and they are very difficult to share. And even when they can be shared you may notice that they mean very little to the people that you are sharing them with. You may think they're great, absolutely awesome and fabulous, but your audience may think otherwise. That may lead to a letdown.

But letdown's shouldn't stop you from sharing, and even if you don't get the response that you are looking for, at least you can bask in the achievement all by yourself. 

I'm a lifelong learner. I read voraciously, and I spend my time writing code. Not that I am selling software, there are much brighter and smarter people who can do better work, but I write code to understand and learn more. I ask myself, how does two-factor, or multi-factor authentication work? And then I write Python/Flask programs to see it in action. And I'm pleased with the work. And I revel in it. And I bask. And nobody knows.

But I do rush out to my Python blog and write about it, and that makes me happy. And recently, I've taken to YouTube to do more preaching. The viewers are low, the subscribers tiny, but it's more about the journey it took to prepare the product. It's like Les Brown once said, if you really want to speak and be a public speaker, but nobody will hire you or listen to you, then speak to your plants. If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? Ridiculous, but it symbolizes the ineffectiveness of unheard of opinions or thoughts. I don't like the term ineffective, because surely, there's an effect somewhere. It's almost like when in a debate, your opposition says something like, "well, I've never heard that." As though that was a point for it's non-existence.

I don't think people celebrate quietly enough. Alone. Personally. Introspectively. And smile inside. And congratulate self. And be self aware and self proud.

Of that, there should be much, much more of.

Broken

My hands were full, the door to the kitchen was closed, a door with one of those handles you turn, not a knob. You can use an elbow and lean down on it to open the door. I was carrying a mug and a small dish in one hand, the other hand had a water bottle with another cup held by my little finger. Tucked under my arm, my upper arm close to my armpit, was another water bottle. Hey, I like water.

What I should have done is walk a few steps to the dining table, put the stuff down, walk back open the door, and then safely move the items in a couple of trips into the kitchen. But I'd successfully done this move many times with even more stuff tucked under my other arm. I yanked the handle down, pushed the door with the arm holding the mug and small dish. The small dish happened to get dislodged from my arm as the handle snapped back up when the door swung open.

It fell. The kitchen floor is ceramic, the dish was ceramic. Ceramic on ceramic not a good combination. The height was probably about three feet and it landed nicely on it's edge. It didn't have a chance. Shattering into small pieces and scattering a mile wide. Into the kitchen and also back into the dining room from whence I came.

I don't know why but I was immediately embarrassed. I felt judged for being a klutz by my inner imaginary conscience. That guy who sits on your right shoulder and tells you to slow down when you're speeding. To calm down and breath when you want to lash out. Then immediately came the sadness, the pain of loss. Of having a lost a really good friend because you killed them.

I'd had that small dish for almost twenty years. I remember when it was given to me as a housewarming gift. We'd been together for a really long time and it had served me with sandwiches, fruit, cake and snacks. Faithfully doing it's job and asking for nothing in return. And there, because I was so busy, I dropped it and it was now no more.

BROKEN

When things break, physically, or emotionally, the feeling is a sinking hollowness in the chest, at least for me. Some peopled possibly feel it in the stomach. It's a pressure-like feeling. Like something is pressing you down. And your head has this emptiness. You may even cry and though tears may not come out, there's a wetness around the eyes for the loss. You're never elated because you can always toss out things that you didn't like. But when you break something accidentally, you feel sad.

It similar to when someone close to you lies to you, or even worse, rips you off. A sense of lack of trust feels breaks you and you feel pressure and emptiness at the same time.

THE FIX

And so you tell yourself that next time you will only hold one or two things and do things carefully. You won't speed so that the cops don't stop you. You will not be so trusting so that you aren't hurt. You'll move in slow motion, like you're moving in thick oil, and be very careful as to not make any more mistakes in life. And this may work for a few hours, but you soon forget. That's the one good thing with our animal brain. Like good feelings also fade away, bad feelings also in time just disappear.

The Stoics know this and having a stoic frame of mind is an excellent way to live. Knowing and anticipating that breakage is a part of life and so when it comes, while the sinking feeling may still be there, at least now you can curiously observe the breakage with curiosity, and ask yourself, "so where have you been my friend?" "It's been a week since we last met, how've you been?" "Why did you choose to let me back into that raised curb and damage the car bumper?" "Now you've really cost me money that I was intending to spend on pleasure." "Oh well, till next time, just do something simpler." "And hey, leave my phone and computer alone."

That conversation trivializes the event, makes it look commonplace and even though unexpected, inevitable.

IT'S IN THE MIND

As with everything you've read, mental breakage is in the mind. While the loss is physical, your brain works against you to punish you for what you just did. It goes as far as telling you that you're a bad person, careless, not thoughtful, inconsiderate and stupid. You should have known, it says. It doesn't matter if what you broke was yours. If it was someone else's stuff, then you brain will really punish you. But when someone else breaks your stuff, you may even get angry. Angry at them for not being careful or considerate for your stuff. Thinking about this may make you a little bit more considerate towards people who break things. Because I'm sure you've broken and disappointed other people, not more than once. Perhaps you didn't know it, but trust me, you have.

Your brain is there to observe, file and categorize. I don't know who gave it the job of also making critical judgement and it appears that the critical judgement is aimed at reviewing what happened, so that it does not happen again. The trick is that you're only supposed to make mistakes once in life. Once you've made the mistake, you should not repeat it. You should have learned your lesson. 

But you keep breaking stuff, and the feeling of being careless and stupid comes back. Repeatedly, even stronger with each repetition. You can't help feeling bad when someone you know dies. It's natural for that feeling to come and with time it too dissipates. It goes away. That one does take a longer time irrespective of the circumstances. Natural death easier to take than accidental.

THE THING TO REMEMBER

Is that the broken events make up about 2 percent (made up statistic) of your total experience. The other 98 percent is OK, or even delightful. And when the 2 percent happens, we dwell on it as though it was 100 percent. And when it fades into the distance, we don't realize that we've been living in the 98 percent for much longer than the 2 percent. The 2 percent is like a visit from a parent, stressful, but it passes.

Dwell and live in the 98 percent, enjoying every moment of it. Knowing that the 2 percent is just around the corner. And so when it shows up, you can ask it, "hey, my friend, long time no see." "Glad to have you back, can I get you something to drink and we catch up?" "Remember last week, I spilled juice on the couch, ouch! that was two days of cleaning, and that couch will never be the same." "What was that?" "Oh no, I still drink juice on the couch." "Ok then, till next time, see you later."

And that's that.